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It was six years since my last miscarriage. After all that time I had given up on trying, and resigned myself to mothering my two growing sons, and running my home business. As I watched friends enjoying their new babies I hardened my heart, convinced that phase of my life was over.
Naming the Child: Hope-Filled Reflections on Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death |
Then New Year's Eve - a strange feeling - a wondering - could it be? Within a few days I knew it was true - I was pregnant! In a matter of days, maybe even hours, I went from the terror of how was I going to cope, how to fit another child into my busy life, to the terror of losing this precious, most-wanted and already-loved baby! I'd had four previous miscarriages, and yet I couldn't hold myself back from this baby.
For seven weeks I held this precious secret inside of me, not ready to share it with the world. I knew the risks - one of every five pregnancies end in miscarriage. I knew the precautions - but nothing will stop a miscarriage if it is meant to be. Often the baby is two weeks dead before it is passed.
Still, when the familiar spotting began, I went to bed and hoped. I bargained and pleaded, and told my baby how much it was wanted. I had blood tests and false hopes, but after a week and a half of spotting I ended up with an emergency D&C for an incomplete miscarriage. The doctor assured me this was necessary to prevent infection from remaining tissue . . . but it meant the final end to my baby. I wasn't ready to let go!
Most people don't deal well with loss, and their words of comfort are often painful to the parents. Telling them they can always have another baby does not acknowledge the importance of the baby just lost. Feeling of loss, grief, even anger must be validated and acknowledged.
Baby in Heaven/Miscarriage/Infant Loss Memorial Ornament |
I was surprised by the overwhelming emotions I experienced this time. I had buried most of my emotions after the four previous miscarriages, only to have them resurface in less obvious ways. I decided this time I would consciously work through my grief, and it was difficult. I felt a great deal of anger towards doctors and nurses, unsympathetic friends, even some sympathetic ones. But mainly I felt betrayed by my own body - so terribly empty and alone.
Although it seems like forever, waiting through at least three menstrual cycles gives your body time to strengthen and heal, before trying for a new pregnancy. There is less chance of repeating the miscarriage, and it gives time to resolve the grief. My first miscarriage happened 15 years ago, yet I still remember every detail. It does stop hurting so much - and having a successful pregnancy is very healing, if you have worked through your grief first.
Some things that can help are - talking to others who have experienced pregnancy loss, reading books on miscarriage and grief, joining a support group, keeping a journal, creating some memorial for your little one, and accepting your emotions as valid - and important. Babies can be named at any stage of pregnancy; you could write a letter to your baby, or a poem about your feelings. You could collect memorabilia of your pregnancy, make a donation in your baby's memory, or have a memorial service and/or funeral for the baby's remains.
Time does not heal, but it does provide distance from the loss. The support and caring of friends and family are the true factors in healing after pregnancy loss.
Miscarriage poetry by Catherine McDiarmid-Watt - in memory of her 11 babies lost.
This article compliments of Born to Love.
Send questions, comments, and suggestions to: catherine@borntolove.com
Born to Love articles are written by Catherine McDiarmid-Watt
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Last updated - April 5, 2024
