Miscarriage:
Sharing Your Story
1972 - Just 18, not ready for the adult world of grief and loss. Married just seven months, and losing the first of many babies. Had I known... would I have had the courage to go on???
Sitting alone in the dark, weeping for a baby dying with Tay-Sach's disease on Marcus Welby. How could a teenage husband know I needed him so badly... when I didn't understand myself?
The doctor says, "save any tissue, bring it in tomorrow." What? That scrap of flesh... floating in the toilet bowl???
Armed with a slotted spoon and an empty jar, gritting my teeth... I scoop.
And look in awe! Nestled in my hand, a tiny body. Why, it looks just like in the books! A budding of arms and legs, tiny dots for his eyes, a bulging belly with a tiny broken cord attached.
The doctor in Emergency was cold and brisk. With a rough internal, he pronounced me "too young to even know if I was pregnant!" His abrupt departure left me devastated and weeping. Hidden in my purse, a tiny body - floating in a jar.
Should I chase after him... to prove myself capable? I couldn't, it was just too much... my spirit and heart were broken.
Wandering the streets, crying, I thought of my mom. Would she understand, would she believe? But I knocked and waited... no-one answered.
No-one to hold me, comfort me, to grieve with me. So young and naive, I never told anyone. I didn't understand, didn't know the questions to ask, how to get the help and comfort I needed so badly. I felt alone and empty.
1987 - Separated from my husband, and losing my fifth baby. It should be easier this time, somehow. I knew the ropes, I'd seen it all before. But, oh how I grieved!
Never knowing just how much I wanted this baby, till the familiar bleeding started. Not this baby, don't take this baby too! How could you, why take so many babies from ME???
The familiar phrases and platitudes... "Lots of women bleed, it could mean nothing." Other women maybe, but not me, not ME!
What's wrong with me...
my body...
my mind?
A D & C?
But why...
Couldn't I just keep this baby a while longer?
I know...
the baby's dead...
Is it really?
I'm not ready to let go...
Septic, I know...
But it's hard to care...
In bed for days...
I should get up...
Why?
I've got two great kids who need me...
What for?
Life must go on...
It's not the end of the world...
It's not?
The experience of miscarriage never gets any easier, never is fair. There are no age barriers or limits to miscarriage. No woman exempt, no pregnancy guaranteed, no family untouched.
Look around you... your mother, your sisters, your friends. Share your experience with others, and maybe someone's never spoken of, yet never forgotten grief will begin to heal.
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