Miscarriage:
How Do You Maintain HOPE?

Someone wrote to me and asked, "How do you maintain HOPE? It seems almost impossible for me to believe I will become pregnant again, absolutely impossible to hope that my baby will survive. How do you remain optimistic and motivated to continue your efforts to have a baby?"

I answered...

Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing, in advance, if there is a baby is in any of our futures. Keeping hope alive, in the face of previous loss, fertility problems, complicated and intrusive tests, doctor's visits and unresolved grief must be a formidable task.

There are no easy answers, but I will share with you what I did to keep my hope alive, along with some hints I've picked up along the way.

I used positive visualization. I carried a vivid picture in my mind, of my baby... nestled in my arms, sleeping quietly. I felt the baby's weight, smelt that special baby perfume, heard the soft, gentle breathing, felt that bond of love with this baby yet conceived.

I pictured doing things together... nursing a newborn, dancing with a babe-in-arms, carrying baby snuggled on my chest in a front pack. Holding a tiny hand. Cuddling, sleeping, giggling.

I really saw these things. I felt, smelt and heard these things. I even bought a tiny newborn bunting, with a hood, to have something "real" to hold onto. I had no way of knowing if I'd ever carry another baby... but this really helped keep me going.

Unresolved grief makes it difficult to move on. Have you allowed yourself time to properly grieve for the baby you lost? Before you can move on psychologically, it really helps to recognize your miscarriage as a significant and real loss. Find a way to acknowledge this loss: give a donation or gift to a special charity, have a memorial or religious service, plant a tree or give your baby a name.

Writing poetry, painting or keeping a journal are ways of coping with the pain. Integrating this experience into your life, and searching for the special meaning this pregnancy had, can be one way of sorting out the emotions of pain, guilt, depression and anger.

Join a support group, if you can. You'll find others who share your experience. When you see they have gone on to have healthy babies - it will give you hope. It also helps to know other woman who are more than willing to offer help and support through these difficult times.

If there are no support groups in your area, seek support from others who have had similar experiences, friends or by reading books on this subject. Professional counselling may help you get through a particularly difficult time.

Take a "time out". Perhaps you just need a little more time to heal. Focusing on another baby can be difficult. Try giving yourself a rest from doctors, tests, charting and medications for a month or two.

Give yourself time to "recharge your batteries", and try to enjoy life a little. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our loss, and subsequent tests and procedures, we tend to forget we are more than a couple trying to have a baby.

(I hated this advice in the midst of it, but it really does help!)

If you can afford it, take a vacation, and try to leave this part of your life at home. It will be there when you get back, waiting for you. But, hopefully, you will come back to it with renewed hope and vigor.

If you feel unable to wait another couple of months, try taking a week, or even a couple of days. On your "mini-vacation", deliberately stop thinking about your loss, and subsequent difficulties.

Try laughter! Norman Cousins (Anatomy of an Illness) says "It lights up our faces, relaxes our muscles, lowers our sense of vigilance, restores our objectivity, and ENHANCES hope." I found that until I could laugh again after my last miscarriage, I wasn't able to believe I'd have a successful pregnancy.

You are under a great deal of stress! Try keeping a daily journal or log of when you feel the most stressed. Write down what you find the most difficult about all these tests and doctor visits. Listen to yourself. Instead of saying, "I can't cope with this today!", encourage yourself: "I know this is difficult, but I am going to make it through!"

If you can bear it, spend some time thinking about the very worst that could happen. Sometimes dealing with the worst case scenario makes reality seem more manageable.

Please keep in touch, and let me know if this has been helpful to you.

Sharing the journey,
Catherine.

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